


Sentimental

by Quillgrayson



Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 22:54:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17374751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quillgrayson/pseuds/Quillgrayson
Summary: From trainee years to dorm-life, the development of Winner as a group from Jinu's perspective.





	1. Win: Who Is Next

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first kpop fanfiction, and I'm a bit of a newer Winner fan so not all of the information/time-lining is totally accurate in this fic.

Watching dramas had always been Jinu's biggest comfort. He couldn’t really put a finger on why, but whenever life got hard he could escape into the world unfolding on screen. Romance dramas were his favourite, even though he was never very interested in romance himself. He supposed it was just what everyone liked to watch, there didn’t need to be a specific reason for him to prefer them. Whatever drama was popular at the time, or had an actor or actress he particularly liked, even dramas he overheard the title of from his classmates at school.  
People would question him about it from time to time-  
“Jinu-ah, why do you watch that show? It has the same plot as the last one you watched.”  
“Why do you waste your time watching those, don’t you have other passions?”  
“You should spend your free time more productively… it’s not healthy for a boy your age to watch those so much.”

It lessened once he moved to Seoul to begin his training. Mostly because he didn’t have hardly any free time, but in the few hours he had to himself, no one could blame him for staying in bed after the long, arduous hours of dance lessons. Sometimes his fellow dormmates would even join in watching with him.  
But for some reason, three years after Jinu had signed with YG, dramas suddenly stopped soothing him. He’d come home from training all day, wanting nothing more than to shower, crawl into bed, and watch an episode while he fell asleep, only to find himself more unsettled and depressed. He missed Imjado. He missed his family. He missed when his life felt simpler. But he knew his debut was coming soon, if only if he held out a bit longer.  
Slowly, he came to watch dramas less and train more, working hard enough that his thoughts couldn’t catch up to him. He almost found it relieving when he was told they’d be participating in a survival competition to debut. At least with the busy schedule, he’d never have time to wonder why he always felt discontented. Debut was around the corner. When he won, he’d feel better. He was sure of it.

The days dragged on, the hours creeped by, the minutes lasted years. Jinu was sure that being on the show would make time go by faster, but it only seemed to slow it down more. He became closer with the other trainees on his team, but it didn’t quell his growing anxiety. Sometimes it felt like being around them just made it worse. He knew he had talent, he wouldn’t be here otherwise, but he couldn’t help but compare himself to the others anyways.  
Especially Song Minho. The other boy was tall, handsome, oozed talent, and already had experience as an idol. He’d almost debuted with an older group, Block B, and then had spent two years prior to joining YG with idol group BoM. Jinu considered him a good friend at this point, nothing would change that, and he enjoyed his company immensely, but always found himself hating the way he acted in front of Mino. Coming home at the end of the day to sleep, he was always kept up with worries that he’d made a fool of himself.  
The third round of the show was upon them and Jinu couldn’t keep his head on straight. At practice earlier that day, he kept forgetting the choreography. Despite everyone’s words of encouragement, he could tell they were getting annoyed with him.  
“Jinu-Hyung.” Seunghoon’s voice pulled Jinu’s attention from his anxious thoughts. “What happened today? You’re never so distracted.”

Jinu sat up in his bed, eyes downcast while he spoke. “I know, I’m sorry. I don’t want to be a burden on you guys. We only have one more day to practice and I’m just… afraid of what’s going to happen.”

“Worried we’ll lose?” Seunghoon asked, sitting on the bed across from Jinu.

“Yes, and no. I’m also worried we’ll win.”

Seunghoon cocked his head slightly, confused by Jinu’s concern.

Jinu sighed, looking up at his roommate finally. “Every milestone we approach, I think things will start to feel better finally, but every time we pass one I just feel more anxious and depressed. I miss my home and my family. I’m worried we’ll debut and things will keep feeling worse for me, and I’ll let everyone down and have to leave the group. I don’t want to make things harder for any of you.”

The other boy listened quietly, seeming unsure of what to say. He reached a hand out to grasp one of Jinu’s and took a steadying breathe.

“I think… on some level we all have those fears. Being a trainee is hard, no matter how passionate you are about it. We all have fears that we won’t be good enough or that we’ll be the weak link of the group.” Hoony cleared his throat, his eyes searching the floor around their feet. “I think it will go away after debut. And if it doesn’t, that’s not your fault and no one will blame you for doing what’s best for you. We’ll support you no matter what.”

Jinu nodded, swallowing hard. Tears welled in his eyes, unable to look up at Hoony again.

“I think what will make you feel better is talking to the rest of the group about it.” The younger boy continued, giving Jinu's hand a squeeze. “Before practice tomorrow, we can all sit down and talk. It’ll probably do everyone some good too, everyone’s nervous about the final round. We should air out our anxieties.”

Jinu nodded again, a small smile displayed on his lips. He stood and Seunghoon pulled him into a brief, tight hug. “Seunghoon-ah, thank you.”

 

Just as Seunghoon predicted the night before, the pre-practice talk benefited everyone in the group. Through heavy tears, each group member talked in depth about anxieties that had been plaguing them throughout training that had only worsened during filming. Everyone missed their families, their homes, reminisced about their lives before becoming trainees. Taehyun talked vaguely about filming making him feel crushingly overwhelmed somedays, how he wondered how he would able to cope with the feeling throughout his career if he did debut. Seungyoon explained his concerns of feeling like an outsider, having had a solo debut in the midst of the rest of them trying to debut. Minho talked about missing his old group and how frustrated he felt having to go through training for a third time.  
At the end, an air seemed to have lifted off the shoulders of the five boys. Practice went on without a hitch, the choreography finally coming together. Despite the exhaustion of the past several weeks, and of the physically and emotionally demanding day, Team A left the practice room feeling more revitalized than any of them could remember feeling in quite a while. On the way out, Seunghoon caught Jinu’s gaze, giving him a warm, teasing smile. Jinu returned it with his own gracious smile.

After Team A’s victory was announced, the five boys were quickly moved into their new dorm as Winner, a full-blown idol group. Almost immediately they were bustled with a hectic schedule of planning for their first album, their debut stage, meeting with managers and stylists, talks with CEO Yang HyunSuk. By the time they were finally able to take a breathe in their new home, they felt about ready to burst.

“Seunghoon-ah…” Jinu called out, his breathing still unsteady from the day.

“Hyung?” Seunghoon looked up from where he was laying on the floor.

“Didn’t you say something about our schedule calming down finally after debut?” Jinu turned his head slightly to gaze down at him from the couch.

Seunghoon closed his eyes and turned away. “I said nothing of the sort.”

Jinu scoffed, turning his head back to stare at the ceiling. The day’s events played through in his head, that morning feeling like ages ago. How had only one day passed since the five of them ate breakfast? Had the time between lunch and dinner always taken that many years? Had they even had dinner? Jinu didn’t think they had, but he didn’t feel hungry at all. He rarely did though, anymore he tended to rely on Minho’s trustworthy appetite to remind him when meals were necessary.  
His thoughts lingered on his teammate for a moment. Mino had disappeared to shower as soon as they got home, leaving Jinu and Seunghoon alone in the living room, Taehyun had gone directly to bed, and Seungyoon was still in the kitchen making tea. Even with three members still left in the main part of the dorm, without Mino it seemed deadly silent. The rapper was definitely the moodmaker of the group, it almost felt lonely without him around.  
Jinu frequently found himself thankful for the team he had. Seungyoon was a strong leader. Seunghoon had been his closest friend since early trainee days. Despite his ever-present anxiety around Mino, it was worse when he wasn’t around. Taehyun somehow managed to have tight, unique bonds with each of the older members. Ever since the talk they had before the last round of Win, Jinu’s fears about the group had melted away. Winner had become more than just an idol group. Winner was synonymous to family.

Family….

Family

The word tasted sour in Jinu’s mouth. This didn’t happen in normal families. This wasn’t supposed to happen to him. He knew he’d always stood out a little, but this was too much. This was unbearable.  
And how could he be this stupid? This blind? How could it have taken him nearly 24 years to figure it out?  
Jinu tossed over in bed again. Across the room, he could see Seunghoon sleeping soundly in his bed. A small snore echoed from the younger’s mouth. Jinu envied him. Sure, Hoony had his mood swings, but he never seemed genuinely, deeply bothered by things. He’d lose his energy and get mopey if the others didn’t encourage him well or react right to his jokes, but when it came to life, deeper things, anxieties, he was the most carefree person.  
He was so completely unlike Jinu, who was constantly plagued with anxiety. Exhaustion gripped his bones, knotted his stomach. Debuting was the last milestone, it was his last chance at happiness. Granted, it had relieved most of the tension weighing on Jinu's shoulders. In fact, he was happy after they debuted. Until now. Now there were all new fears, all new worries, all new feelings with absolutely no solution to any of them.  
Tears spilled out over Jinu’s pale cheeks, serving no purpose but to make him feel worse about the situation. They wouldn’t make these emotions disappear. He wasn’t sure anything would. What was the point in wallowing then? Jinu cleared his throat and sat up, dragging himself out of bed to go to the bathroom so he could blow his nose and wash his face. Staring in the mirror, he thought back through the events of the day, retracing his steps, wishing there was a way he could go back and keep living in ignorance.

Winner had been on hiatus for a while now since dropping their debut album, so more often than not, the dorm was empty while each member was busy with their own solo schedules. Jinu stayed home the most, tending to his two cats and frequently playing nanny to Mino’s cat and Seunghoon’s dog as well. Taehyun and Yoon were almost always busy, and Mino had just started his new schedule with Show Me The Money.  
Jinu’s anxiety was higher than ever. Things had been genuinely good after they debuted, they’d fallen into such a sweet routine, growing closer as a family. But after group activities slowed and solo activities took their place, things felt different. Loneliness grew in Jinu’s stomach like a poisonous vine. On the rare occasions everyone was home, Taehyun’s irritability only worsened, usually resulting in tension between him, Yoon, and the two older members. Mino used to try to mediate, being closest with Taehyun, but eventually opted to just leave the room when the maknae picked fights.  
The oldest brother couldn’t help but worry about disbandment. After all the hard work they’d put in, after Jinu finally had a taste of contentment, it seemed to be over too soon.


	2. Secrets Best Told Drunk

Taehyun’s departure from the group was by no means surprising to the four other boys, but that made it no less painful to watch him go. His mental health had crumbled, despite their efforts to help him, most days he seemed utterly inconsolable. They all felt their share of responsibility, watching their baby brother pack his things in total silence. When he was gone, the empty room seemed to mock the emptiness they felt in their hearts.  
Jinu thought back to the conversation he’d had with Seunghoon all those years ago, when he worried he’d be the one to someday drop out of the group and go home. He wondered, if he’d had that conversation with Taehyun, or if he’d pressed him to talk more when they all had their sit-down, if he’d reached out to the younger more when he had his outbursts…. Jinu felt responsible. He’d been selfish, thinking only of his own problems these past few years.  
Was his problem even that big in comparison? He’d managed to push his feelings down, ignore them as best he could, some days he even forgot about it entirely. So why couldn’t he have made time to reach out to Taehyun before it’d gotten so bad for him? He knew the things the maknae was going through, he’d felt the same crushing weight of being an idol. All he could do now was stare at the empty space in the room he once shared with Seungyoon and Mino.

“I think changing some things up should soften this tragedy.” Their manager, a weirdly optimistic little man, chattered on about the group’s options from here out. “Let’s switch up the roommate arrangement.”

Everyone was silent for a moment.

“How is that going to help?” Seungyoon asked finally, trying to sound genuinely curious.

“If the rooms look the same as they did while Taehyun lived in one, you’ll always be reminded of his absence.” The manager continued on, a kind of proud smile half cracked across his face. “If we rearrange things in the house, it’ll feel new. There’s talk of moving dorms soon, but I think it’s still just talk. In the meantime, we can make it at least feel like a new dorm.”

The manager's smile had grown bigger now as he scribbled out the boys names on four different pieces of papers and shuffled them up. Jinu watched nervously, knowing one of the three outcomes could pull him apart at the seems. He didn’t want to switch roommates, he liked rooming with Seunghoon. It wasn’t like he had anything against Yoon or Mino of course, but he’d slept next to Hoony since the younger had become a trainee. It was too much change all at once.

“Okayyy.” The Manager drew out the word as he separated the papers. “Seungyoon-ah, Seunghoon-ah, you two share a room now.”

The two bumped fists, trying to find some joy despite the situation.

“So Jinu-ah, Mino-yah, you two share a room. I’ll let you boys decide who’s moving to what room.” The older man stood up from the dining room table. “Activities are on hold for the week, you should use that time to redecorate, get resituated you know?”

Seungyoon thanked their manager on his way out, letting out a deep sigh of relief when he finally closed the door on him. He laughed something about how overwhelming he could be at times. Jinu didn’t hear him. His eyes were still glued to the pieces of paper divided out in front of him. Seunghoon-ah, Seungyoon-ah…. Jinu-ah, Mino-yah. Was it an overreaction to say he wanted to die?  
What was the point of the past year Jinu had spent trying to pretend he’d never had that epiphany when it was now all being thrown back in his face? Why did this have to be their manager’s solution to Taehyun leaving? How was he supposed to get over the loss of one of their members when he was suddenly neck deep in this again?

“We should drink tonight.” Seunghoon’s words broke through Jinu’s spiralling thoughts. “It’s been too long since we’ve all been together, we should drink.”

Seungyoon nodded. “Good idea. I’ll order dinner for us tonight. Seunghoon Hyung, will you run to the store for soju?”

“Maekju.” Mino interjected.

“Soju and maekju.” Yoon repeated.

“Yeah, Jinu Hyung do you want to go with me?” Hoony asked, turning to the only person still sitting at the table.

“Yeah, of course.” Jinu replied, standing up and feeling blood rush back into his legs.

 

It wasn’t quite cold outside yet. The leaves had begun changing colours, but still clung to their branches. The breeze whispered warnings of the chill preparing to sweep through in the coming months, but wasn’t quite enough to really bite. The sun shown uninhibited, though low in the sky as dusk approached quickly. It felt nice to be outside, away from the stuffy dorm, away from the problems that hung there.

“Jinu Hyung.”

Jinu knew that tone already. “Seunghoon-ah?”

“You know Taehyun leaving isn’t your fault, right?” Seunghoon kept stride with the older, despite his legs being longer. Jinu could feel his gaze on him.

“It feels like there was more I could have done though… More I should have done.” He replied, relieved his dongsaeng wasn’t questioning him about his reaction to them changing rooms. “When I was having those feelings, you reached out to me, made sure I was okay. I should have done the same for Taehyun.”

“Do you think the rest of us didn’t?” Seunghoon asked. Jinu looked up at him. “You would have been just one more pestering hyung, trying to get him to open up when he didn’t want to.”

“You think so?” He asked.

“Yoon-ah is a good leader. He was there for Tae-yah a lot. It didn’t seem like it to us, because we only ever saw them fighting. But Yoon-ah and Mino-yah shared a room with him, I could hear them through my wall sometimes. Even after we’d gone to bed, they were still trying to work things through with him until the late hours of the night.” Seunghoon put a hand on Jinu’s shoulder. “I think right now, the only thing that can help Tae-yah is to rest, away from public eye.”

Jinu nodded, looking forward again, gazing off to the changing colours of the sky as the sun set. “I didn’t know that… I’m not very attentive, am I?”

Seunghoon gave his shoulder a squeeze. “You’ve had other stuff on your mind.”

Jinu stopped suddenly, his harsh Jeolla stare shooting up to Seunghoon. “What do you mean?”

Seunghoon yanked his hand away and laughed. “Hyung, don’t do that, you look scary.”

Jinu softened his expression and Hoony continued. “I just mean, you’ve had that look on your face a lot again lately. The one you used to have as a trainee. Whatever is bothering you, that’s what you should be worried about. Yoon-ah and Mino-yah took good care of Taehyun-ah, and I know you’ll come talk to me when you’re ready but in the meantime that’s what you’ve been focused on, what you should be focused on. You can’t help us when you’re tangled with your own demons.”

Jinu cast his gaze down to the sidewalk below them, tracing the cracks in the cement with his foot. “How are you already so wise… You keep such a stupid look on your face, I think you’re not thinking anything at all half the time. But you’re always thinking of us, aren’t you?”

Seunghoon twisted his face into a goofy expression, drawing out a sweet laugh from his hyung. “Who else is going to keep you guys from getting too serious? Someone has to watch out for you all.”

Jinu smiled at Seunghoon and turned to keep walking, feeling at least one stone lifted from his shoulders. The rest of the walk to the liquor store was downright pleasant, the autumn air keeping them cool. By the time they reached their building, the sky had gone nearly dark. Back inside, the atmosphere seemed to have softened in their absence. Yoon had just received their delivery of chicken and kimchi bokkeumbap and Mino was setting the living room table for them to eat.  
As soon as Hoony and Jinu walked through the door, Mino bolted over to them to inspect their purchase. He let out a pleased sound at the different flavours they’d brought and told them both thank you before taking the bag over to the table to set the drinks out as well.

“To Nam Taehyun!” Yoon put out his shot glass to the middle of the table. “Please enjoy a restful holiday season, stay healthy and don’t get hurt.”

Hoony, Mino, and Jinu raised their glasses in agreement, murmuring their own toasts before downing the contents.

“What do you guys think is going to happen with Winner now?” Mino asked, putting his shot glass down.

“You think we’ll get a new member?” Jinu asked. “They do that a lot, if a group loses a member.”

“One of the current YG trainees? Are any of them even ready for debut?” Hoony wondered back. “I’d guess someone from Team B, if they hadn’t already debuted as their own group.”

“That would’ve been great.” Mino nodded, refilling his glass with maekju. “I miss Bobby.”

“You should have dated him when you had the chance.” Yoon laughed, “You two made a good couple.”

Mino laughed back, “I don’t think HyunSuk-Nim would have appreciated that.”

“Can you imagine the fan reaction though?” Hoony added, his laugh filling the room.

Jinu’s stomach knotted at the idea.

“SNS would have to shut down. Dating is taboo enough, we’d be blacklisted for life if we were caught dating men.” Mino chuckled into his glass, cut off from his sips.

“Do you think something like that will ever happen?” Jinu asked softly, pouring his own glass full of maekju. Even though they hadn’t drank more than a few shots, his stomach felt uneasy.

“Openly gay idols?” Mino asked.

“Probably someday.” Hoony replied. “It’s not so taboo in America, and even the newer generations here have less of an issue with it.”

“But for idols? That’s not marketable to our fans.” Yoon chimed, “I can’t imagine there’d ever be a big enough gay fanbase to justify letting an idol be openly gay, they wouldn’t be appealing to most fans.”

Jinu’s heart thudded harder. He brought his glass to his lips just to hold his tongue.

“That’s true.” Mino nodded his head.

“I should hope someday idols would be treated less like products than that.” Seunghoon reached forward to pour another round of shots. “Who we date shouldn’t affect our careers as musicians. There’s no dating taboos like that in America, I think moving in that direction would be better for our industry. Maybe with changes like that, we’d feel less pressured. There’s too much we have to be careful of as idols, it’s no wonder Taehyun felt so trapped.”

Everyone fell silent for a moment, unsure of whether to hush Seunghoon’s soju ramblings, or to speak up in agreement.

“That wasn’t Taehyun’s biggest problem though…” Mino mumbled.

“Hyung…” Yoon’s tone shook nervously.

“Biggest problem?” Jinu spoke up finally. “What do you mean?”

“Hyung, we shouldn’t talk about Taehyun’s business when he’s not here.” Yoon said.

“He shouldn’t have kept it a secret from Jinu hyung and Seunghoon hyung to begin with. We’re a family, we shouldn’t have to keep secrets like that.” Mino argued back, leaning forward slightly.

“He’s not here anymore, what good would telling them now be?”

“Him leaving affects all of us, we should be able to talk about it.” Mino muttered, gazing down into his glass.

Jinu set down his own with a clink, mustering his best Jeolla stare to point at Mino and Seungyoon. “What are you guys talking about?”

They both exchanged a glance, both unsure of whether or not to say.

“Taehyun told you guys he was gay.” Seunghoon was the one to finally speak up.


	3. Good Things Never Change

Yoon and Mino gaped at Seunghoon. “How-”

“My bed is right against you guys’ wall, Taehyun was right on the other side of me. I could hear a lot of what you guys talked about.” Seunghoon admitted, shrugging as if it was nothing.

“Eavesdropper.” Mino muttered into his glass.

Jinu's heart was thudding in his ears. “He told you guys that?”

Yoon shook his head slowly. “A couple months ago, right before his hiatus was announced… Things had gotten so bad with him, it seemed like he didn’t even want to be around us anymore. Finally one night, Mino and I were going to bed when we realized he’d been drinking alone in our room. It was the first time he really talked to us in months. He said he’d been seeing a therapist in secret and that they’d been discussing the possibility of a Bipolar diagnosis. Being in the spotlight as an idol, his busy schedule between group activities and acting, everything was making him feel like he was crumbling and he couldn’t control his mood swings anymore.”

“After that, he admitted that he was bisexual and was afraid it would somehow come out, or that he’d have to hide part of himself forever to continue being an idol.” Mino continued, emptying the rest of his glass. “He also admitted to having feelings for Yoon and that that was why he always felt so hostile towards him.”

Jinu’s mouth was agape. So many emotions were washing over him, hitting him wave after wave. He had no idea that much was going on with Taehyun. He’d spent this whole time assuming he’d only been having the same anxieties and depression that he himself had felt during his trainee years. And to find out Tae was bisexual? Jinu hated himself so much. Seunghoon had tried to assure Jinu that it wasn’t his fault Taehyun left, that he wouldn’t have been able to help even if he had tried to talk to the maknae.

“I should have been the one talking to him.” He blurted out, eyes staring out mindlessly in front of him.

“Hyung?” Mino inquired. The three were looking at their oldest.

Jinu looked up, swallowing hard, unsure if he should say what was on his mind.

Seunghoon spoke up quietly. “Is this what’s been eating at you lately?”

Jinu nodded slowly, still not meeting anyone’s gaze. “I….”

His mouth felt dry. He could feel everyone’s eyes on him. What if this was what pushed Taehyun over the edge to leave the group? Admitting his feelings to Yoon, who obviously didn’t reciprocate them. What if it was because the others couldn’t accept him for his sexuality? His mind raced with fears, but he knew he’d already said too much to backtrack.

“Hyung, it’s okay, you can tell us.” Yoon said sympathetically, his brow furrowed sadly.

“I think… I’m gay.” He choked out finally. 

Is my face wet? Am I crying? He brought a hand up and wiped his cheeks. When did I start crying?

“Oh… Hyung…” Seunghoon said sadly, his eyes telling everything. He was thinking the same think Jinu had. He knew his attempt to comfort him earlier meant nothing now.

Mino reached a hand out tentatively, placing it softly on Jin’s shoulder. The older member stiffened, glancing at Mino out of the corner of his eye. He shrugged him off, leaning away from the touch. Jinu paused briefly, feeling his body go numb and cold. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so consumed by his anxiety, he didn’t even want to wait to see what anyone would say. While he still felt like he could, Jinu stood up to leave.

“Hyung please don’t leave-” Seungyoon stood to try to stop Jinu.

“Please, I can’t bare to hear anything you all could say to me.” The tears streamed harder down his face. No attempts to stifle them would work now.

“We don’t think any differently of you, you’re still our Jinu.” Mino said comfortingly, suddenly standing behind Jinu now.

Jinu's shoulders heaved, “How could you not think any differently of me?”

“We’re a family.” Mino said firmly, taking a step to stand in Jinu’s line of site. “Your sexuality doesn’t change that. You’re our brother, no matter what.”

Jinu looked at Yoon. “Did you feel that way about Taehyun? Could you still stand to be around him, knowing he had feelings for you?”

Yoon looked at him sadly, his lip quivering slightly. “It was difficult at first. I won’t lie and say it didn’t affect the way I felt around him. But I didn’t love him any less because of it.” He took Jinu’s hand in his own, squeezing it tightly. “I’m just sad it took him so long to feel like he could tell me. And I’m sad you’ve felt like you had to hide that from us. No one here should feel like they have to hide anything from each other.”

“Stronger together, no matter what.” Mino interjected, taking Jinu’s other hand.

Seunghoon stood finally, stepping forward to stand between Yoon and Mino, directly in front of Jinu. He took Jinu's face in his hands, wiping the tears from his cheeks and looking into his eyes.

“No matter what.” He said, trying to offer a reassuring smile.

There was nothing Jinu could think to say. All he could do was break into tears again. The three boys pulled him into a group hug, surrounding him in their warmth. By the time they broke away, Hoony’s shirt was soaked.

“Let’s not keep secrets anymore.” Yoon said, touching each member’s shoulder in turn. “Like Mino said, stronger together.”

Jinu took a deep, shaky breath. Despite everything said, he still held onto one secret. Even though Yoon said he was glad Taehyun had confessed to him, it was hard to believe he could do something like that without it ruining the dynamic the four of them had. He’d been on the receiving end of unreciprocated feelings before, it never ended in a lasting friendship. What good could confessing even do, knowing it’d never be reciprocated?  
He’d keep this secret to himself for tonight. The idea of bearing his soul any more than he already had was too exhausting. It was late anyways, everyone was tired and weepy and drunk. If this was to come out, it’d have to wait for another night. The four boys said their goodnights and departed to their rooms, for the last night before their roommate arrangement changed.

The next morning, even though they’d not drank nearly as much as they usually would, Jinu's head pounded. His body felt completely dehydrated. His 25 year old body ached with every movement. The memories of last night rolled into frame and gripped his heart. He couldn’t believe after a year of trying so hard to hide that truth from even himself, it came out so suddenly. So carelessly. He cursed himself for allowing himself to be so transparent.  
It was still early though, maybe no one would be up yet. Jinu rolled out of bed, bee-lining for the bathroom. Just as he was about to reach for the handle though, the door jumped open, revealing Seunghoon dressed only in a towel wrapped around his waist, his clothes draped over one arm.

“Ah- Hyung, good morning.” Seunghoon smiled at him.

“Hoony-yah…” Jinu averted his eyes to the floor, fear bumbling in his abdomen. “Sorry, I didn’t know anyone was up yet.”

“Sorry?” Seunghoon cocked his head to the side like a puppy. “Why are you sorry? We’ve lived together for years, we’ve run into each other fresh out of the shower more times than I can count.”

“Well- Yeah, but…” Jinu stumbled over his words.

“Hyung.” Hoony put a finger to Jinu's chin and raised his face. “What you said last night- It doesn’t change anything. You don’t have to act nervous around us.”

The taller man’s soft expression pushed the fear back down and Jinu took a breath, nodding slightly at him. He pushed the finger away from his chin, cracking a nervous smile.

“Don’t be so casual with me, I’m still older.”

“And I’m still taller.” Hoonie teased before running off before Jinu could us his Jeolla Stare on him.

As expected, the shower washed away the worries from the night before. Jinu could feel the ache melt from his joints under the hot water. His hungover mind cleared in the steam. Things were far from normal, but he at least felt more prepared to handle them now than he did with alcohol soaking into his brain.  
At the dining room table, while he ate his breakfast slowly, he still couldn’t help but think back to what Seungyoon and Mino said about Taehyun. He took Hoony’s words to heart, he knew what Tae was like. If he didn’t want to talk to anyone, he wasn’t going to. But he couldn’t help but think, if anyone had clued him in to what Tae had been saying, if he’d known what he was really going through, maybe he could have helped his dongsaeng.  
He sighed deeply, running a hand through his hair and standing to take his dish to the kitchen to wash. Somewhere down the hall, Yoon’s bedroom door slid open and Ray and Bay came running down the hall, meowing to be fed. Jinu bent down to scratch each of their heads before going to fill their bowls. Johnny and Oddeu came running in not long after.

“Hyung good morning.” Yoon greeted, his face still tired looking.

“Good morning.” Jinu replied, trying not to let his anxiety well up again. At least Yoon was fully dressed.

“Ah hyung.” Mino’s sleepy morning voice came through next. “Hyung make me breakfast.”

The rapper wore only his pajama pants, typical wear for the man when there weren’t staff and cameras crawling through their dorm. He came over to Jinu and put his head face-down onto Jinu’s shoulder, causing him to stiffen under his touch.

“Hungry.” He mumbled into Jinu’s shoulder. “Make me an egg, hyung.”  
“Why do I always end up making breakfast for you?” Jinu complained, ducking away from the other’s touch. “Are you incapable?”

“Yes of course, hyung.” Mino said back, grinning that grin he knew manipulated all the other members.

“How do you never seem hungover like the rest of us?” Yoon asked, face smooshed into one of his hands, elbow propped on the kitchen counter. Likely waiting to get fed too as a result of Mino being cooked for.

“It’s because I drink more maekju and you all drink more soju.” He replied.

“Is that how that works?” Jinu asked, cracking an egg onto a heated pan. “Where’s hoony?”

“Here.” The voice called as the other tallest member came into the room, planting himself on the couch immediately to pet Oddeu.

“Let me guess, I’m cooking for you too?” Jinu asked, cracking a second egg into the pan.

“I already ate before my shower.” He replied through Oddeu’s kisses.

After breakfast, the boys wasted no time in obeying their manager’s instructions from yesterday. Moving rooms was always such a pain in the ass, but thankfully only two of them had to move. Jinu argued that since he was oldest, he shouldn’t have to move, so Seunghoon and Mino traded places. By lunch time, they were mostly settled into their new positions.  
It felt weird seeing Mino’s things in place of Seunghoon’s. They’d never not shared a room since Hoony first came to YG. Even though it was only a room away, Jinu knew it was going to get lonesome. Especially because it was Mino across from him now. Just as promised, no one was acting any different towards Jinu, but Jinu couldn’t help but feel differently towards everyone else now.  
He spent so long trying to forget his feelings, now it was impossible. Boundaries were already thin between group members, but Mino had always been especially affectionate and had a strange aversion to wearing clothes. He slept only in boxers and, if the temperature inside permitted, usually wouldn’t put clothes on until hours after waking up.

“Hyung?”

Jinu looked over from his bed where he was sprawled out, sweaty from helping the two dongsaengs move their stuff between the rooms. “Hm?”

“Did you hear what I said?”

“Ah, no, sorry.” Jinu sat up, smoothing his shirt down.  
Mino pushed his hands into his pockets, looking shy suddenly. “I said, I’m sorry if this new arrangement is uncomfortable for you. I know you’re accustomed to sharing a room with Seunghoon Hyung. I’ll be more modest rooming with you.”

More modest? “I thought things weren’t going to change because of what I said…” Jinu replied quietly. He was unsure of his response. On one hand, it’d make things easier if Mino wasn’t half naked all the time. On the other, Jinu didn’t want anyone feeling like they needed to cover themselves to avoid being ogled.

“Ah- I-...uh…” Mino’s face blushed red. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to assume. I just- uh… I felt bad after Taehyun told us, because I didn’t know if I was making it harder for him… Not that I think just because you’re into guys you’re into me-”

Jinu looked away, gripping the bed sheets.

“I just meant, uhm…” Mino bit his lower lip. “I don’t care if you look- I mean. If it’s easier for you, I’ll wear more clothes. But- if uh. I don’t have to change because of what you said, if that makes you more uncomfortable-”

“Mino-yah!” Jinu snapped suddenly, a little harsher than he meant to.

Mino swallowed hard.

Jinu grabbed the sheets harder, trying to think before he spoke, but the words were already coming out.

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you guys about this. You can promise all day nothing will change, but it does. It’s always going to be in the back of your head when you look at me. You’re always going to wonder if I’m looking at you, and if I am, am I looking at you like that. Or, if I’m not looking at you like that, why not? Even if you don’t think you’re going to, you’re going to wonder if I have feelings for you. You’ll question every time I hug you, or hold your hand, any time I brush your shoulder, any time we stand too close to each other on stage or lean on each other for a photoshoot- You’ll wonder, deep down, if there’s something behind it for me.” Jinu took a breathe, glancing away from Mino for only a moment. “And it’s different for me too now. I have to wonder the same things, if you’re thinking those thoughts any time I touch you. And part of me will always wonder or hope that there’s something behind it for you. Now that you guys know, it’ll always be secret thoughts and feelings about the other that we’ll never say out loud out of fear of hurting each other’s feelings or making things awkward between us.”

Jinu’s gaze fell now, staring hard at the floor in front of Mino’s feet.

“You’re right… I’m sorry.” Mino’s voice cracked. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think about that. I’ve never… I’ve never known anyone who was gay before, I don’t know how I’m supposed to react to it. I don’t want to hurt you, but I’m doing it anyways.”

Jinu’s heart sank, regretting lecturing Mino so harshly.

Mino sniffled. “I know it was hard for you to tell us that. I could tell you didn’t want to. I don’t know how to make this easier for you. I’m trying, but I’m… just making it worse, I know that.”

Jinu looked up, seeing Mino struggled to find words but none would come. A streak of moisture lined Mino’s cheek on one side, another came halfway down on the other. His eyes were searching the room and his mouth opened and close with no sound coming out.

“Mino-yah…”

“Hyung.” Mino met Jinu’s gaze, another sniffle shaking his body. “I have no idea what you’re going through. There’s no way for me to really know what you’re feeling. If there was a way I could, I’d do it. Please just… tell me what I’m supposed to do…. Tell me how not to hurt you.”

Jinu’s heart broke. Mino looked at him with so much sadness in his eyes, he could hardly bare to look at him.

“I’m so sorry Mino.” Jinu stood up, taking one of Mino’s hands gently. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I know you’re trying, it’s not your fault this is happening. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time because of me.”

“That’s not your fault, hyung.” Mino cried, his shoulders shaking. “Don’t apologize to me.”

Before Jinu could say anything else, Seunghoon walked into the room, startling both of them enough to jump. Mino wiped his eyes quickly, trying to hide the evidence that he was crying. Jinu’s eyes were red too though, and Mino was never good at hiding his emotions. Hoony was no fool, he read everyone in the group like a bathroom magazine.

“Jinu Hyung, you monster!” Hoony called lightheartedly. “I’ve not even been gone an hour and you’re already making your new roommate cry!”

Jinu burst into laughter. This was why he’d always been closest with Seunghoon. He somehow always knew exactly when he should be serious and wise and when to crack a joke to make you feel better. Mino couldn’t say anything, but Jinu could see him chuckling behind the arm he had covering his eyes.

“Hyung apologize to the poor puppy!” Hoony ordered. “Goodness, what a way to greet a new roommate.”

Hoony looked so exasperated, as though this were a chronic problem of Jinu going around making people cry all the time. It only added to Jinu’s laughs.

“Mino-yah, I’m sorry I’m a monster. I’ll try to hide my fangs and extra eyes while we’re living together.” Jinu said, putting a hand on Mino’s shoulder.

Mino chuckled a bit harder, seeming to still be crying just a little. He turned and put his head on Jinu’s shoulder.

“It’s okay hyung, I like your extra eyes.”


	4. Never Alone With You

To Jinu's surprise, rooming with Mino was going surprisingly well. Being in such close proximity actually wound up soothing a lot of the anxiety he’d always felt around the younger artist. Ever since they were trainees, Jinu thought he would hate having to room with Mino, never being able to truly relax around him. Especially since his realization the year before explaining those feelings, rooming with the rapper seemed like it’d be the ultimate test.  
Mino did slip up occasionally. He’d say something that would catch Jinu so off-guard, he could think of nothing but to grab whatever was nearest and chuck it at Mino in indignation. He’d always apologize profusely and ‘coincidentally’ bring Jinu some sweet peace offering (“Oh, hyung, I saw this in a shop in Japan and thought of you.” - “The fight? Oh, this has nothing to do with that! I’d completely forgotten.”).  
Jinu slipped up sometimes too. He’d be in bed writing lyrics or watching dramas on his laptop, Mino would come in after a shower and catch Jinu staring. For the first few months, Mino would never say anything, but they’d catch eyes every so often. After a while, Mino relaxed and would point it out. (“Hyung, you’re staring.” - “If you want to take a picture, I’ll pose for you.” - “Are you trying to will my towel to fall Hyung?”).

“Hyung?”

“Hm?” Today was one of those days. He pulled his eyes away from Mino, pushing his fists into them to rub the exhaustion out of them. “Sorry…”

“What are you thinking?” Mino asked, turning slightly to look at him. “When you do that, I mean.”

Jinu looked up in surprise. “What?”

The bridge of Mino’s nose turned red. “When you look at me like that, what are you thinking?”

Jinu could feel his whole face heat up. “Ah- Mino-yah, that’s not-... Nothing.”

“Nothing?” Mino took another half step to face Jinu more directly. “Am I so pretty your mind goes blank?”

Jinu let out a nervous laugh, his face heating up more. “Don’t flatter yourself.”

“I don’t have to, you do it for me.”

He met the rapper’s gaze, taken aback by the look in his eyes. Usually when Mino teased Jinu about looking at him, his expression is playful and joking. Now, he looked serious, holding Jinu's gaze confidently. Before he could question him about it though, Mino turned back to face his own bed, pulling on a pair of boxers under his towel before dropping it to pull on his pants.

“Hyung?”

“Mino?” Jinu was watching his back, waiting for him to turn back around.

“Can I ask you something?” His voice seemed hesitant now. “About… about you being gay.”

Jinu’s stomach knotted. He’d expected any of them to question him on it when he first came out, but months had passed and no one did. By now, he’d forgotten about it, assumed they weren’t actually as bothered by it as he’d originally thought they’d be. But now Mino was bringing it up finally. Was he going to berate Jinu for staring at him? Demand they trade rooms again so he could escape it?

Mino turned around to face him again. “I’m just curious, please don’t be offended.”

Jinu shook his head softly. “What do you want to know?”

Mino was holding his shirt in his hands in front of his abdomen, worrying the fabric between his hands. “Have you ever actually kissed a guy?”

He was surprised by the question. “No.”

“Do you think it’d feel different from kissing a girl?”

Jinu’s heart sank. Was this going to be the ‘try to convince you to be straight’ talk? He expected this from his parents, not from Mino.

“Probably. It feels better to kiss a pretty girl than to kiss a girl you don’t like, right?”

Mino looked down at his shirt, thinking about Jinu’s answer for a minute. “Then… For Taehyun, it wouldn’t feel different if he was kissing a guy or a girl?”

Jinu shrugged. “I guess I wouldn’t know something like that.”

He watched Mino curiously. Normally he could kind of guess what Mino was thinking, what he was going to say next when he was taking a long time to talk. The look on his face now reminded him of when we was working in his studio. He looked so focused and thoughtful, like he was trying to work out lyrics or a video concept. It was the only time Jinu was ever surprised by what Mino would say next.

“I don’t think I’m attracted to men.” Mino said suddenly.

“I never assumed you were.” Jinu replied, even more confused now.

“But I don’t… Feel anything special when I kiss girls.” Mino’s gaze was still glued to the fabric of the shirt in his hands, as if the answer to whatever it was he was getting at was hidden somewhere in the stitching. “And… I, uhm…”

He brought his eyes up now, slowly as if something was physically weighing them down. “I like when I catch you staring at me.”

Now he was really at a loss for words. Mino always had kind of a weird way of looking at the world, it was what made him such a talented artist. But this was just indecipherable to Jinu. He couldn’t figure out what he was supposed to make of this confession. Mino wasn’t attracted to men, but liked it when Jinu looked at him?

“Well-...” Jinu furrowed his brow, trying to come up with an answer. “You like being looked at, that’s part of why you’re an idol, isn’t it?”

Mino shrugged slightly, his eyes now suddenly interested in whatever was through the window beside Jinwoo’s bed. “I don’t really care when our fans look at me. Even at fan-meetings. Some of them look at me the same way you, a lot of them are really beautiful… It doesn’t make me feel any particular way though. I’m glad they’re my fans, and I feel grateful for them, but…”

Jinu worried his bottom lip. “I’m sorry, I don’t really know what I can say to that.”

“Can I kiss you?”

Jinu’s eyes shot up, his classic Stare slipping out naturally. Mino could, officially, no longer say anything that could possibly surprise Jinu any more.

“I’m sorry.” Mino retracted quickly, pulling his shirt on suddenly and shuffling in place, as if he wasn’t sure whether or not to leave. He rubbed a hand across his face, which was blossoming redder and redder. “I didn’t mean to just blurt it out like that.”

“You want to kiss me?” He had to have heard him wrong.

“Not if it’s going to make you feel bad.” Mino said, looking at Jinu with those sad eyes he pulls so well. “I just thought… If I kissed you, I’d know for sure, because I’d know what it felt like… and could, you know… compare it to kissing girls, I guess...:”

Jinu tried to stifle the laugh building in his chest, but it broke free before he even realized it. It shook his whole body until there were tears in his eyes. He could feel Mino giving him sad puppy eyes from across the room, but couldn’t pull himself together. Nearly a full minute had passed before he had regained himself enough to talk.

“Mino-yah I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” Jinu chuckled, wiping his eyes. “I didn’t mean that to make you feel bad. It’s just- I’ve spent all this time worrying you were getting uncomfortable knowing I had feelings for you, and here you are asking to kiss me. I feel like I’m dreaming.”

Mino was wringing the bottom of shirt, wrinkling the fabric over and over. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were worrying. I’m never uncomfortable around you- well, I mean- I am now… but that’s my own fault… I’m sorry, I’m being stupid. I shouldn’t have asked you something like that. I know you actually like me, it was selfish of me to think I could kiss you and not have that hurt you-”

“Mino.” 

“Hyung?”

“Stop babbling and come here.”

Jinu could practically feel his heart beating in his throat. His fingertips were cold and he felt like if he stood up his knees would buckle beneath him. He tried to remain composed as he watched Mino walk nervously towards him, tried not to show how terrified he was as Mino sat down on the bed in front of him, tried not to shake as he scooted forward to sit beside Mino. It somehow calmed his nerves to see Mino shaking just as hard as he was.

“Wh-...” Mino swallowed hard, “What if… What if I don’t like it?”

“I won’t hold it against you.” Jinu replied. “It’s nothing you can control.”

Mino breathed out a stuttered breathe, as if he’d been holding it in the entire walk over. Inhaling normally, he brought his hands up to cup Jinu's cheeks, caressing his thumbs over his skins. Jinu's eyes slid shut halfway, breathing out nervously. As Mino slowly began to lean in, Jinu squeezed his eyes shut the rest of the way, unsure of how it would go. He was afraid Mino would hate it, and he was afraid Mino would hate it because of Jinu. What if he was a bad kisser? What if his breath still smelled from lunch earlier? What if-

The singer’s mind snapped blank for the first time in over three years. Even knowing it was coming, the feel of Mino’s lips on his own surprised him. At first, neither one of them seemed to move. Nervously, Jinu brought his hands up to hold onto Mino’s shoulders, needing something to steady himself. The touch seemed to be the permission Mino was looking for, almost immediately leaning in harder and pressing a full kiss to the older man’s lips.  
Jinu gripped at Mino’s shirt, pressing back into the kiss with a million emotions crashing through his body at once. He felt so touch-starved suddenly, like he’d been existing in a bubble away from people his whole life. He silently prayed that Mino wouldn’t pull away, and Mino didn’t. His lips stayed against Jinu’s, kissing every part, pulling away only enough to push back in again.  
One hand stayed stuck to Jinu's cheek, long fingers curling back and holding him in place. The other moved down slowly, trailing down the smaller man’s chest and wrapping around his waist, pulling him closer suddenly. Jinu let out a small gasp, melting into a moan as he felt Mino’s tongue graze over his bottom lip. He wrapped one arm around Mino’s shoulders to hold them together, the other still gripping tightly at the front of his shirt.

Neither one of them could be sure how much time passed like this, but they could guess more than a few minutes had passed before they broke away, holding each other’s gaze. They were silent for a long time, unsure of anything that could be said. Jinu finally broke the silence, needing some kind of verbal confirmation that Mino wasn’t suddenly regretting what they’d done.

“So? Is it different from kissing girls?” Jinu whispered.

Mino nodded slowly. “I feel like I’ve been wasting my time.”

A small smile spread across Jinu's face. “That different?”

Mino leaned in and placed a quick, gentle kiss on Jinu's lips. “I don’t want to kiss anyone else now that I know it can feel that good with you.”

The tiny hyung felt shattered apart by those words, bringing his hands up to cover his face before any tears could spill out and ruin the moment. He managed to hold them back, but only for a heartbeat before they wracked his whole body.

“Oh-! I-... Hyung, I’m sorry-” Mino put his hands on Jinu’s arms, pulling back to look at him. “What did I say wrong? I’m sorry- please-”

Jinu shook his head, forcing himself to uncover his face and take a couple deep breathes, eyes avoiding Mino’s questioning stare.

“You didn’t say anything wrong.” He said shakily.

Mino cupped his face again, wiping the tears from his face. “I don’t understand…”

“Mino…. The moment I realized I was gay, I felt like my life ended in that instant. I felt like I’d been sentenced to a life where I could never freely love anyone. I thought I was going to die alone with that secret. After some time had passed, I came to feel relieved I told you and Hoony and Yoon, but I didn’t think I’d ever get to know it felt like to kiss someone I loved.” He put one hand over Mino’s. “I was glad when you wanted to kiss me, but I didn’t dare think you’d actually like it. At best, I was indulging myself for a few seconds and then trying to forget about it after you admitted to not feeling anything.”

The younger boy wrapped his arms around the other, pulling him into a tight hug, hands grasped tightly around the back of his shirt as if he was afraid he’d escape if he let go. Jinu let a few more quiet tears fall with his face buried in Mino’s neck, breathing in his smell, trying to memorize the moment.

“I’m so sorry you ever had to feel those things.” Mino said quietly into Jinu's ear. “I’m so sorry you’ve felt so lonely.”

“Don’t be.” He replied softly. “I’m not anymore.”


End file.
